Why Life Coaching?

Many of the Fundamental Core Competencies and Ethics of coaching were vital in constructing the scaffolding on which I could finally stand as a professional coach,  mother, partner, and human being.  

The  core practices which have most greatly impacted me are, in no particular order, as follows:

1. The Power of Belief. 

The coach’s belief in their client inspires the client to believe in themselves.  When I was drowning in the mess of my life, so were my children, looking to a caretaker who was handicapped by self-doubt and barely regulated PTSD.  I  needed a lifeline, fast. I’d been conditioned to believe I was helpless without a patriarch and had always looked beyond the horizons of myself for rescue. However, my mentor and life coach Dr. Dave Kruger showed me an alternative. Dr. Dave shared that good parents and good coaches share the same wisdom: that just as children intuitively feel what a parent thinks of them, clients do too. Dr. Dave’s first contribution to my empowerment was that he believed in me. He knew I was the ship that could carry me and my children to safety – not some fantasy husband, boyfriend, or father. He expressed his belief both verbally and behaviorally, affirming my possibility for change with his words, but also with every molecule of his being, until I felt it for myself. His belief was a buoy that kept me above water until I realized I could swim. Feeling another’s faith in oneself is a key ingredient in metabolizing self-belief, and self-belief is one of the first steps in transformation. 

Quickly after beginning life coach training, I learned that one of the first steps in behaving your way into a better life is accepting adulthood. In other words, taking accountability for the fact that we as individuals play a huge role in determining whatever happens following the present moment. The accumulation of these decisions is what constitutes days, weeks, months, years, and ultimately lifetimes. 

Though it was a hard pill to swallow,  once I accepted that I alone was responsible for getting myself and my children out of the mess we were in, an innate sense of accountability empowered me to action. I discovered that adulthood was indeed embracing that I had not been forced to become a mother and left to raise three kids, but rather, I had allowed myself to become a mother and was now choosing to become the mother those children deserved. The actions once lamented as necessities of circumstance took on new meaning. I volunteered in my kids’ classrooms, devoured parenting books, scribbled goal lists, and held family meetings, creating purpose in all of these activities. While I’d once been too overwhelmed with self-loathing to realize just how much I was capable of achieving,  shifting my focus from what had happened to me then to what I could make happen next led me to discover a new source of untapped rocket fuel. I was propelled forward.

3. State of Mind:

To quote Einstein, “We Cannot Solve Our Problems with the Same Thinking We Used When We Created Them”...and my thinking was..well… unhinged, to say the least. I didn’t spring out of bed one day, and poof! was a responsible adult and a decent mother. It took A LOT of mind, brain, and body-altering work to get to that place, and even more to effectively regulate and master my state of mind at will. 

When I was emotionally hijacked and imprisoned in the time capsule of my trauma,  challenged by an “uncooperative” parenting partner,  my go-to thought was“F-this! They’re his kids, he wanted them, let him take care of them!” It took methodical focus to recognize when I was reverting back to this familiar script, and laborious persistence to change it. Through coaching, I developed a new set of self-defining statements aka “self-talk”. “You got this Shelli.” “You can do it.” “Solve the problem.” These new purposeful mantras became my life’s soundtrack, played relentlessly on repeat until feelings of possibility and determination drowned out hopelessness. This optimal state of mind replaced the negative feedback loop I’d been stuck in and offered an environment of relief where fresh ideas and solutions had the space to take shape.   

5. Emotional Regulation

I felt as if I lived in a Zoo. When my children’s emotions ran wild, I’d get triggered and act out impulsively. As my coaching journey continued, I observed that my emotions had been hijacking my sanity. Growing up, I was perpetually possessed by bad feelings that devoured me whole. Learning to emotionally regulate allowed me to respond from a grounded and centered place rather than react impulsively. To reach this state, I visualize a piece of plexiglass, which defines where the emotions of others end and where I begin. Similarly to raising and working with children, the aim of emotional regulation is to befriend your emotions without letting them run the show. It’s the difference between yelling at the kids, or lowering your tone and whispering. 

For me, staying emotionally regulated involves mental noting, writing, breathwork, exercise, reflecting, and investing in myself each day.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I remain committed to new ideas and practices, even the ones that challenge me not to throw in the towel when I want to most. Stretching is uncomfortable, but as Dr. Dave says, if you're not growing, you're decaying. As daunting as that growth may be, even being open to it and accepting the possibility of change is a pivotal first step. The resources for transformation are out there for those that want them, and if you’ve found this article I believe you, like me, are one of those people. It is my hope that in passing on the tools that saved my life, that others will realize change is possible for them too.